The Long and Winding Road

We're in the Fort Pickens Gulf Islands National Seashore this afternoon. I love Fort Pickens. Driving through the gate on the west end of Pensacola Beach is like traveling to another world. A desert world of white sand dunes, low shrubs, and a calming, insistent rumble: the nearby tide.

 And the memories! Many of them include my parents. When they visited--so many years ago--we would come here just to drive the desolate road. This place reminded us of the highway between Barranquilla and Santa Marta. I left Northern Colombia after the first grade, but I still remember that impossibly long drive along the skinny, salty Caribbean Transverse.

Unlike Northern Colombia, it's cold here as the sun sets on this near cloudless day. Somehow we've managed to end up at a busy beach. At least seven people surround us, all with cameras.
I'm aware that no matter where I sit along the shore I'll be in someone's photo. I'd like to say I don't give a damn, but by now you and I both know that's not true. Pelicans bob on the frigid water. Those crazy birds, photo bombing with glee.
I've been missing my girls lately. When they lived at home, we had plans every Saturday night; we did what they did. But as empty nesters, this trip to the beach is our big outing for the day. And not too shabby, I'd say.
But  Chris and I want to come up with connections for times like this. After our kitchen remodel, we'll invite friends over for dinner. And I want to get a group of women together to take a class on charcuterie-making. Chris' personal training business, Performance Studio, is taking off, and that's creating a community, which is all fine and good.
But what I really want is to get in my car and drive inland until I reach a daughter.
1.25.2020
Photo credits: Chris Zokan

Margaritaville

Sitting in the Margaritaville lobby, feeling very self-conscious. Does EVERYONE know we don't belong here? We walked in off the street to enjoy the beach from a warmer vantage point. It's freezing today. An ice-in-the-birdbath day.
I hunker down on a seat by the bay window and pretend to talk on my phone. Chris nonchalantly wanders outside and beckons me to join him. Finally, I do.

Although the sun is behind a haze, it's not windy. The Gulf is a lovely emerald green today, with white waves rolling in. Watching them, I quit caring about what the Margaritaville staff might think. Lord knows I've spent enough at their delicious restaurant, Frank and Lola's. I'm just grateful to be at the beach -- my beach.
I've been deep into my work on Grace. I'm not sure its good, but I love it anyway. I love the characters, the palmreading, the motorcycle riding. I love the songs of the 80s, I love Washington, DC.
This will be the last time I go through it for awhile. I'll bless it, send it out, and forget about it.
I'm already working on a new manuscript, something Chris and I wrote together. It's completely different from Josie's story, more of a sci-fi action/adventure. Chris can get me to do things I wouldn't normally do.
We start feeling the chill, so we walk to the car. This time we bypass the lobby, but we'll be back.

Strange Days Indeed

I'm sitting on my blue chair at Grayton Beach. A red flag hangs lifeless behind me while the Gulf of Mexico churns ahead. Also behind me, disconnected from the ocean, is Western Lake. At high tide the ocean flows into the lake right where my chair sits. I'm nervous as the waves creep toward me. Twenty feet away.
However, what with the cars driving along the beach - yes on the beach - and the flatness of the shoreline, this is the safest spot I can find.
A woman in winter boots, sweatpants, and a bikini top walks by.
Chris and I have driven to County Road 30A past Destin this morning and biked along the scenic road and through the beautiful subdivisions. Our first stop: coffee at Bad Ass. The off-season quiet and tranquility was sheer bliss, and a rarity in this area that bustles to a breaking point each summer.
The bridge is out at Puggslyville again, so we decide to visit Grayton Beach, a place we haven't been to in decades.
The magic of the beach eludes me here, and I wonder if that's why we've stayed away. It's grown surprisingly hot and the wave distance is now 18 feet.
The birds are the same, though. They skitter and stand along the flat moonlike expanse of shoreline.
I turn away from the Gulf and toward Western Lake, realizing I've been missing the real view. The blue sky reflects in the calm lake, and behind its pristine beauty stands a row of lofty pines, no doubt lining 30A.The best part of this beach is the road we just came from. I'm ready to get back to it.

Photo credits: Chris Zokan

Blue Jean Yoga

A gorgeous sunny day at the beach. Unbelievably beautifully sunny, windy, cool. The waves sound delicious. I turn my face to the sun and breathe in deep. Again. Be here now. Don't look back.
This morning I woke up with anxiety. So much, so unnecessary, so what. It occurred to me I'd rather feel ANYTHING, even core-shattering anxiety, than sadness and grief.
But grief came knocking. A few hours into the day, Natalie left for college after a long winter break. Now, sitting on this shore, I wish her well. And Olivia, too. My babies used to play around this chair at this beach, and something about the memory calms me.


Lately I've been reading Deepak Chopra (my latest favorite), watching Jai Dev Singh Kundalini videos (see him here), listening to Abraham Hicks (one of many youtube videos here), and meditating with the Insight Timer teachers (https://insighttimer.com/). At the moment, it feels like too much self-improvement, and not enough actual change.
Will all I'm learning make me a better person? And according to whom? I'm not sure today.
The sand beckons, so I go through some blue jean yoga poses and it heals my soul.
Today Chris and I will jump back into our lives: the kitchen remodel, a manuscript edit (still working on the sequel to The Existence of Pity-- it's so close!), work, more work, and plans to open our garage gym.
I don't want to leave, but it's getting cold. First stop, Lowe's. I'm thankful for the healing ocean. After a last deep breath, I gather my chair, and don't look back.

photo credits: Chris Zokan

Pull Quote

I wanted to know, once and for all. Is The Existence of Pity a good book? I've been thrilled with my mostly positive reviews, but how would my book fare if assessed by a trade publication?

Kirkus has been reviewing books since 1933 and is considered a respected trade magazine by the industry. Their reviews certainly influence my reading selections, and I've noticed an automatic positive response to seeing a Kirkus blurb on a book. The debate rages on as to whether a Kirkus review is worth the price - yes, I paid for it - but the itch to know wouldn't quit. I decided to send my book their way.

With no little trepidation, I waited, until today, when this link showed up in my inbox.

 https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/jeannie-zokan/the-existence-of-pity/

I raced through it and sighed with relief. It's good! Then, I combed it for that all-important pull quote, those lines which sum up what Kirkus has to say about my precious baby, and my writing.

"Overall, this is an offbeat coming-of-age story... and Josie is perfect in her role as the story's protagonist and moral center." --- Kirkus Reviews

"A sensitive work from a very promising author." --- Kirkus Reviews

I'm glad I got the review. Now I know. And my favorite part of the quotes? The ---Kirkus Reviews at the end, for my book.

And just in time, a Kindle copy of The Existence of Pity is now $5.99!

Click here for the Amazon Link to The Existence of Pity and get your copy!

A Journey of A Thousand Miles

July 30, on the cusp of the new moon, marked the first ever class at the Community Yoga Studio--conveniently located in my garage.

 Back in January, with that wonderful January energy of renewal and new beginnings, I leaned against the washing machine in my garage and studied the space. Chris had kept up his ACE certification as a Personal trainer for over 25 years in hopes of returning to that profession, and we'd talked of turning our garage into a gym, but we never had the energy, or any idea of how to begin. The task seemed so daunting.

But on that January day, I decided to simply start cleaning it out. With absolutely no idea where all the STUFF would go, I put my hand on one thing at a time. Give this away, Store that in the attic. Move this to the shed. Sell that on Facebook.
Happy with my progress, Chris got in on it, and one Saturday we cleaned out the neglected shed and emptied a lot of the contents of the garage into it. Then we treat ourselves to lunch. When the area was mostly empty we--okay, Chris--scraped the popcorn ceiling. That's a horrible job, but once it was cleaned and painted white, the project started taking on a life of its own. Spackling and painting the walls a seafoam green came next, and at that point, we finally began to see the transformation. No turning back now!
We had told ourselves repeatedly, "If we build it, they will come," We didn't have to know how it would all come together, we just had to take the next step. Over the following months, our conversations were filled with talk of room dividers, flooring, workout equipment, and mirrors. We didn't talk about the foosball/pool table taking up valuable space, though. Chris didn't want to let go of the game table, something we didn't use anymore, maybe because it reminded him of the fun we had with it when our girls were younger. I knew that as our space took shape, with mirrors in place, the room divider up, and rubber flooring locked in, that he'd let go of the table.

Sure enough, when a friend with young sons expressed an interest in the foosball/pool table, he gave in, for the good of the studio.
As soon as Chris found the perfect functional trainer cable machine, he began working out in what he dubbed his Performance Studio, preparing to take clients as a Personal Trainer. For me it's my Community Yoga Studio, and we agree to disagree on its name. We both agree that it shall never be called a garage again.
My vision for the space is simple. I want to reach out to the community who is interested in yoga and who lives nearby. Nothing would make me happier than to have neighbors walk or bike over for an evening class.
And although most drove, last night was that class.
I made eye pillows for everyone (something every visiting yogi will have) and herbal tea. I tried three other flavors until I found Bigelow Peach, iced with honey. I'm a kindergarten teacher at heart, so everyone has a pocket in a shoebag on the door to store their eye pillows.
Prana Devi taught an amazing New Moon Yoga with a moon salutation sequence (as opposed to the sun salutation most yogis know) and as she taught, she pointed out the sky at sunset, twilight as it turned the treeline into a long, jagged silhouette, and a bat darting around the culdesac.
Through the whole class, I couldn't keep a big grin off my face. The realization that we had DONE IT kept sweeping over me. Chris and I had created from scratch this beautiful space, and people were now sharing it. I was in heaven, even though this heaven turned hot. Very hot. I guess there's still some tweaking to do. As much as I love the garage screen, during these warm summer months we'll be using a portable air conditioner to keep the studio cool.
It's really true, that, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." The sense of accomplishment Chris and I share when we walk into our gar-- oops, studio, is worth all the work we put in and all the stuff we got rid of. Without looking too far down the road, without a definite goal, we just did what we could one day at a time. And we're thrilled with the result. 
If you're local and are interested in yoga, please contact me. Chris is ready to be your personal trainer, and if you want a garage gym like ours, we are excited to share our new-found expertise on making the transformation. Trust me, it's worth the journey. We both feel like we climbed Mt. Everest, and the view from the top is amazing.

Lori Bane: Being Mindfully Kind

My friend Lori Bane texted me out of the blue one night this past summer: did I need someone to read my current manuscript? I stared at the screen, amazed at the words. Lori was the answer to a prayer I hadn't even uttered, and she helped me get back on track, one chapter at a time. I knew about her summer filled with random acts of kindness and personally felt the loving kindness she shared with me by reaching out. Now I'd like to share her story with you.

 What gave you the idea to focus on random acts of kindness? I heard on K-Love radio several years ago that a young woman chose to do 21 acts of kindness instead of shots on her 21st birthday.  So for my 37th birthday, I decided I'd do the same thing - 1 act of kindness for each year.  I had my sons help.  Isaak kept a list and what they did counted, too, because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get 37 done in a day!  It turned out to be a LOT of fun and easier than expected when you count little kindnesses, too.  I researched ahead of time so I was prepared to give cold gatorades, thank you notes, etc. and then we also just kept our eyes out for random acts.  I did it for birthdays 38 and 39.  For 40, I wanted to make it bigger, so I decided I would invite friends and family to join me for a beach cleanup or something and then ask them to do more kind acts throughout the day. 

Then I realized my birthday fell on the first day of preplanning this year and I was so bummed!  I considered doing the 40 acts the Sunday before, but I try to rest on Sundays.  Then Becky Pappas led me to a fun book she'd read called The Summer I Saved the World... in 65 Days.  Solutions!  I started planning 40 days or 40 acts over the summer, or whatever it would turn out to be.  I still wanted to include other people, so I toyed with the idea of posting on Facebook and inviting people to share their acts, hoping we would document a universe-changing movement!  I hesitated to post online because I didn't want it to come off as "Look what I am doing!  Look at ME!"  I wanted to point the focus back to God, so I made a website on which I explained my motivation and invited people to document their own acts anonymously, and kept a list of my own acts as inspiration for others (in addition to posting picture-worthy acts).  40daysofkindness.weebly.com 

What was one of the most memorable experiences? Okay, I was going to say how much we all giggled when we paid for someone's meal behind us in a drive-thru, but reading back through the acts listed on my website, I'd have to go with taking stevia leaves and cool lavender rags to share with my church softball team.  One of the players referred to the stevia leaves as "chaw for the church league," and one of the players' middle-school sons exclaimed, "Who is this lady?!"  I really liked the anonymous acts the best overall, though.   

What were some of the ways you helped people? All of my acts are listed on 40daysofkindness.weebly.com.  Some are also on Facebook/Instagram and there are pictures of them there.  Also, one of my friends got a group of our friends together for a surprise birthday dinner and they gave me a sign with all of the things they'd done in my honor.  I was so touched! 

Did you ever feel helped by others when your goal was to help them? Totally!  I've made some new friends, slowed my own pace, gotten many hugs, and definitely felt God's presence in exchanges.  It's helping me focus on what REALLY matters and that is the greatest gift of all.  I just need to remember every day...

Did more opportunities to help present themselves to you the more you helped? Did you feel like you were in the flow? Yes.  One thing led to another and I enjoyed the summer more than I could have imagined.  I had worried it would become "one more thing to do," or a big checklist I'd wonder why I'd signed up for.  Because I wasn't working (except for a few weeks of summer camp and a week of vacation bible school volunteering), I was able to balance everything and didn't feel overwhelmed.  I chose not to do a few things that would've put our family over the edge budget-wise or time-wise, but mostly things worked out really naturally.  We got to enjoy quality time with each other and wonderful people as we blessed them, and I treated us intentionally here and there.  

Would you say this has been a life-changing experience for you? If so, how?  Over the years of doing this on my birthday and then spending this entire summer being mindfully kind, I'm more aware of people around me and their needs.  I do try to keep in mind that I can't do everything, but I can do some things sometimes and it may mean the world to someone else.  Being kind is always possible, and not very common sometimes.  I had joked that once my birthday was over, I was going to go back to being mean again.  LOL!  I wish I could maintain the quantity and quality of kindness my kids and I were doing, but working and having kids back in school makes it harder. I think I'm more personable with the students when they are having a bad day now, though.  Oh yeah!  And my kids are more aware of little things they can do for others. They haven't decided to do this on their birthdays, but they are very helpful and supportive of my birthday goal(s). It's just "what we do."  That makes the biggest impact!  

Thanks Lori! This was fun!

 Thank you!  Reminiscing about this has been good for my soul. :)